


Oswald The Impaler

by freckledandspectacled



Series: Prompt Fills [12]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friendship/Love, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 12:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13271439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckledandspectacled/pseuds/freckledandspectacled
Summary: Edward has a crush on his best friend, Oswald Cobblepot, who he is currently pretending to date. Things turn out about how you'd expect.





	Oswald The Impaler

**Author's Note:**

> I got this request yesterday and it would have been done faster if I hadn't kept having to stop and contemplate whether what I wrote was funny to me or actually funny. Whelp.

When Edward proposes the plan to his best friend, he isn’t actually expecting him to _agree_. It was supposed to be a _joke_. It’s too late to back out now— granted, he isn’t really certain that he wants to. He’s had something of a crush on Oswald for ages, and even if it’s only pretend, Edward will take what he can get. 

The agreement is this: they pretend to date one another, culminating in a round of fake sex at a house party where they make one another out to be veritable sex gods, followed by a false, amicable break-up. Edward never actually intended on going through with it, but Oswald had taken his wisecrack that they pretend to have loud, kinky sex at a party as a way to market themselves on the dating scene seriously, and now here he is. 

They’d practiced kissing one another extensively at Oswald’s house, so that they didn’t look silly when they did it in school. Oswald had bought them matching rings to sell the story even further, carrying Edward’s books for him between classes and flipping off teachers who yelled at them for kissing in the halls. Sometimes Edward finds it difficult to remember that this isn’t real, Oswald plays his part so well. 

Tonight, Gertrude is out of the house, and they need to coordinate what they’re going to do to feign having sex. They get the noises down, Edward bouncing on the mattress to make it creak while Oswald pounds on the wall in time with him. The trouble is their dirty talk. 

“Should I call it your dick?” Edward asks. Oswald’s face scrunches up, and he shakes his head. 

“I think I can say dick, but it feels weird hearing you say it,” Oswald says. “Is there something more… sophisticated?”

“Like what?”

“You could say cock?”

“No one says cock,” Edward sighs, putting his chin in his hand.

“There has to be another word,” Oswald insists. Edward rolls his eyes and navigates to urban dictionary on his phone, listing various cringe-worthy euphemisms for penis. Oswald is grimacing by the time he’s done. 

“I could come up with better ones than these,” Edward scoffs. “And worse.”

“I wish I could forget that entire list,” Oswald says, his voice not all too different in tone from that of a condemned man. 

“Allow me to override it with new ones,” Edward says, a devious glint in his eyes. “What about… meat stick?” Oswald snorts. 

“That’s not inaccurate,” he says. “Eight out of ten.”

“Flesh rod.”

“Almost exactly like meat sick. Four out of ten.”

“Ouch,” Edward says, pressing a hand over his heart. “You wound me. How about… _love impaler_.” Oswald laughs aloud and covers his mouth, doubling over.

“Holy shit, _love impaler_. You honestly can’t top that.” 

“Oh, _Oswald_ ,” Edward says, affecting the soft, husky tone they’d determined would make Oswald seem like a regular Casanova in their play-acting. He pulls Oswald down on top of him, so the other boy is between his legs. “ _Oswald_ , give me your hot love impaler!” Oswald is wheezing above him, actual tears running down his cheeks. 

“Fuck, please don’t say that, I’m dying. If you say that when we’re faking it I _will_ loseit,” Oswald gasps, bracing himself over Edward on his elbows. Edward arches dramatically under him, slamming his palm into the headboard for added effect. 

“ _Oswald!”_ he wails, high pitched and breathy. “I need your thick love impaler inside of me!”  

“Stop!” Oswald wheezes. “Oh my god, I can’t take it.”

“I can take it,” Edward counters, winking. “I can take all of your big _love impaler_.”

“I fucking hate you. Why are we friends?” Oswald says between cackles of laughter, looking helplessly at the ceiling as if appealing to some higher deity for an answer. 

“Because no one else puts up with your tantrums,” Edward tells him, flipping them over so Oswald have will look up at him.

“Oh please, you’re just the same,” Oswald says, quickly recovering from his back hitting the mattress. 

“That’s why we work,” Edward says. “You’re the love impaler, and I’m…”

“The love canal?” Oswald offers. Edward snorts and puts a hand over his mouth. “Love glove? Love cave? Cavern?”

“ _Love cavern_ ,” Edward repeats, barely holding back laughter. “Oh my, that one wins.”

“I can’t wait to be inside your tight love cavern,” Oswald mockingly growls, pushing his hips up and nearly bucking Edward off his stomach. Edward laughs and slides back to straddle his waist, freezing when he feels something that seems awfully similar to an erection pressing into his ass. Oswald stops moving entirely, looking like a deer caught in the headlights, his face suddenly flushed.

“Is that… is that your— um. _Love impaler_?” Edward asks. Oswald blushes an even deeper shade of red. 

“It’s not my fault, you kept squirming around earlier and rubbing it!” Oswald justifies, putting his hands up as if in surrender.

“I would have stopped squirming if I knew I was _rubbing it_!” Edward screeches, rolling off him.

“I’m sorry, Ed,” Oswald says, grabbing his arm. “I didn’t want to make it weird.” Edward takes a deep breath. Oswald is right, now _he’s_ making it weird. Besides, what’s the big deal? They’re both teenage boys, both of their bodies have… _functions_. It ultimately has nothing to do with Edward; Oswald would have reacted like that to anyone who’d been all over him the way Edward had been. He sighs.

“I didn’t mean to overact,” Edward tells him. “I mean, you obviously don’t like me like that.” 

“Right. Obviously,” Oswald says, staring out of his bedroom window. Edward isn’t sure how to get back to the comfortable horseplay and joking around they’d had before he’d drawn attention to Oswald’s… _state._

“I also didn’t mean to embarrass you,” Edward tells him. “It doesn’t matter. You’re my best friend, Oswald.” Oswald finally looks at him.

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,” Oswald says. Edward smiles and pulls him into a hug. He wants to show Oswald that he’s gotten over himself, that he didn’t mean to be such a drama queen over a hard-on. 

“Ed, I’m sorry. I lied.” Edward pulls away, brows drawn together in confusion. 

“About?” he probes, Oswald staring down at his sheets. He takes a deep breath.

“I do like you like that, Ed.” Edward gasps, and Oswald holds up a hand, indicating that Ed should let him finish. “I can’t let this charade go on, it’s not fair to you. This whole time I’ve been pretending to date you— I’ve been wishing it was real.”

“I feel the same way!” Edward blurts, covering Oswald’s hand with his own. 

“You do?” Oswald asks, eyes widening. 

“I’ve had a crush on you for ages!” Edward admits, elated that he’s finally been able to tell Oswald his feelings. His _reciprocated_ feelings, no less. 

“It’s— it’s more than that, though,” Oswald says, squeezing his hand. “I _love_ you, Edward.”

“Oswald…” Edward trails off, eyes shining. He’s not confident enough to say that he loves Oswald, but he cares about him, and he likes him. He puts his hands on Oswald’s cheeks and kisses him, deciding it’s better that he show, rather than try to tell. He doesn’t know what to say, anyways. Oswald kisses him back, and it’s perfect. Perfect because they’ve gotten very good at this, and because Edward knows now that it _does_ mean something. 

“So, will you be my boyfriend?” Edward asks, pulling away. He rests his hands on the bed again. 

“I’d be honored,” Oswald says, something about the formality of his tone making Edward flush.

“Are you going to tell your mom?” Edward asks, already postulating about the potential consequences of their new relationship. He certainly can’t tell _his_ parents, but he’d already been risking their finding out when he’d been _pretending_ to date Oswald. This will be no different, and he already has contingencies in place should it become an issue. 

“Of course! She’s going to be very pleased. She loves you too,” Oswald says, playing with Edward’s fingers. His thumb runs over the ring he’d bought Edward.

“Do you think she’ll still let me stay over?” Oswald considers this. 

“She might make us crack the door.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if this mess of a fic made you smile :D


End file.
